random thoughts

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL!!!

2011-10-24T10:03:00.000-05:00

Today is the day! I have officially reached the goal weight that I set for myself when I decided to have RNY. It took almost one year (359 days, to be exact), but that time has flown by and it seems like I was just being rolled into surgery a few weeks ago. But, as we all know, this really is not the finish line for me. It's more like the beginning of a finish line that goes on for the rest of my days. I have heard of many, many people who regain their weight after WLS and I am, of course, going to do my best not to be one of those people. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

So I am posting a pic I took this morning, just to mark the occasion of reaching my goal, but this is not my official "after" picture. I am employing the services of my daughter, the professional photographer, to have a real photo shoot and do the thing right. I have shied away from pictures for the last 20 years and I decided, when I reached goal, that I would have a real photo taken to mark the occasion. I am going to dress up and actually put on make-up (gasp!!) and enjoy myself. I always think that having pictures of oneself kind of makes one seem a bit vain, but I am willing to be considered vain this once. So here is the reached-goal-weight-but-still-using-powder-room-for-photos-because-we-don't-own-a-full-length-mirror shot. Oh, and dontcha like the new t-shirt John made me for my birthday? (and yes, there is a 99% chance that you will see my car in some of my official goal photos) :)

Thanks so much again to all of you who have read this blog and sent me encouraging notes along the way. It meant more to me than you probably know. I feel so blessed to know so many truly decent, kind people, and to be able to call them friends, well, it's just an embarrassment of riches. :)

food = mixed feelings

2011-09-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

Hooray for not-summer!! I am so thankful that fall is here and ready for even cooler temperatures. It's so nice to be able to drive around town with the windows down again, enjoying the crisp breeze. And the best part, of course, is that it is football season. However, I am pretty glum about football and having a hard time getting into the NFL now that Sweet Baby Peyton is gone for the season. I know most people wouldn't understand this, but I pretty much feel like crying every Sunday afternoon now. It's pathetic, but there it is. At least I still have my OSU Cowboys and Union Redskins, so that helps a little. But still...I just don't think they should have allowed the NFL season to continue once they knew Peyton wouldn't be able to play. I mean, it's just not football!!!

So the weight loss continues, little by little. I am now down another 3 pounds, for a total of 115. I think the most fun part has been the clothes shopping. I can now go into any store and not feel embarrassed that they don't go up to my size. I no longer have to limit myself to plus-size stores. It's a wonderful thing. A friend and I went down to the new OKC outlet mall last weekend and I had an absolute blast, trying on clothes I would never have dreamed of even looking at last year. I got a great bargain on an expensive sweater dress I had been wanting, plus a new coat and jacket. I have also fallen in love with Victoria's Secret jeans, just wishing I had ordered a size down because the ones I bought 2-3 weeks ago are now a little too big and I'll have to go down another size. This is a good thing, and I'm not complaining, but they are expensive jeans and I wish I had been more optimistic and ordered another size down the first time. It's all good, but every time I think I am probably arriving at my final weight and can buy new clothes, they end up being too big within a few weeks and I have to start over again.

So I think the weirdest thing of all is that I am wishing I was still a foodie. It sounds ridiculous, because being a foodie is exactly how I ended up weighing nearly 300 pounds! But I used to love food, and I mean I really LOVED food. It was an enjoyable event, to go out and have dinner with the family. Now food is just a necessary thing that I don't enjoy and don't really want, but I eat because I know I must. There's no pleasure in it anymore, and even though I know it is completely irrational, I miss that true love of food and enjoying decadent desserts as well as rich and hearty main courses. I would never go back to the way I was, but I do miss the love of food. I guess now I am substituting the love of food with the love of clothes shopping. :)

It's finally NOT 100+ degrees!

2011-09-05T10:11:00.002-05:00

It's almost starting to feel like my most favorite time of the year. Yay autumn!!! All that crap earlier in my blog about enjoying the summer? Yeah, well, that's over. Once we had 4+ weeks of 105+ degrees here on the sun, I was completely over it and started hating summer and heat once again. It's good to be back to normal :)

I am discovering more and more that the human body (or at least mine) is a strange thing. I mean, how can a person lose 5 pounds on the scale and not feel any difference in the way their clothing fits, then lose 1 pound and go down 2 dress sizes? That has happened to me several times since surgery. Take last week, for example. I only lost 1 pound at my weekly weigh-in, but when I went to get dressed for Mass last Saturday night, I literally had nothing to wear. I had several church-appropriate tops in the closet that were a bit too snug the last time I had tried them on (seemingly just a couple of weeks ago), and when I put them on that night, each one looked like a freaking tent on me. I mean they were ridiculous to the point that I could not wear them without looking like I was wearing a moo-moo. So I eventually settled on the least ridiculous looking one and still felt like I was wearing a maternity shirt all night. Then today I weigh in and discover that I've lost 5 pounds since last Monday, but my clothes only got a little bit looser. It's all good, it's just weird how pound loss and mass loss don't always mean the same thing. In any event, my total is now 111.5 pounds and I'm only about 10 pounds away from my original goal. And that's another thing. Being tall makes a HUGE difference when it comes to how much weight you can hide. No one believed I was almost 300 pounds last year, and everyone now says that I shouldn't lose any more weight or I'll be too thin. But according to the chart at the doctor's office, my "goal" weight should be 150 pounds, which means I need to lose 25 more. I am okay with where I am right now and if I never lost another pound, I'd feel great. It's just funny to me that when people say I am going to look too thin if I keep losing, and I tell them what the AMA thinks my goal weight should be, they look at me like I'm going to wither away and die if I even try to reach that. I'm not trying, but if it happens, it happens, and I'll be fine. I will never worry about being too thin because there will always be plenty of extra inches on me, and gravity isn't doing me any favors, either. (I guess if anyone tells me I'm looking too thin, I'll threaten to disrobe and clear up the matter tout de suite)

selective vision

2011-08-19T11:38:00.001-05:00

Okay, so yesterday I saw Dr. G, who told me that I have reached my goal weight and need to stop losing now. I was like...Yeah, so, how am I supposed to do that? I already eat all I can possibly hold every day. He tells me I can now cheat a little. Since I'm already doing that, I am having a hard time seeing it making a difference. But the weight loss has slowed down to nearly a crawl, so I'm not going to worry about it overmuch. I can still stand to lose 20 more pounds without even looking thin (I'll still be able to pinch several inches) so it's all good. But the most interesting part of my visit yesterday was that I noticed, while the nurse was thumbing through my chart, that there was a picture of me in there that I had forgotten all about. It was my official "before" picture that they take of every WLS patient and keep in the file. I asked if I could see it and I still cannot believe that was me. I took a picture of it with my cell phone because it is the only full-length picture of me at whale size that exists, to my knowledge. Isn't it amazing that you can look in a mirror every day and not really see yourself? Of course I knew I was a whale; I'm not blind, after all, and I do have to shop for clothing and I can read the numbers on the tags. But still. I guess I didn't really realize how I looked, and I especially didn't realize how my face had changed. I think that's the truly mind-blowing part. I look at my face every single day and I don't think it looks any different. Then I look at this "before" picture and I hardly recognize that face from the one I see now. Amazing how over the course of 10 months my face has changed so much, yet I wouldn't have really seen it without this picture. Naturally, there are lots of other things about myself that I don't see or that I see in a much different way than others see, but that's a blog entry for some other time when I have nothing else to do for a couple of months. Changing my body was a piece of cake compared to changing my brain.

What does 100 pounds look like? (okay, technically 103...)

2011-08-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because: (a) There's been a lot of stuff going on around here, and (b) I wanted to wait until I hit the century mark before posting again. Because I'm writing now, you can probably already guess my weight loss so far...I did hit 100 pounds and am now at 103 total. I just needed to lose 1 more at my weigh-in this morning to make it to 100, but instead I lost 4 more. It's weird how the body holds on to weight and then lets it go all of a sudden (with no change in diet or exercise or whatever). In any event, I am thrilled to report that at exactly 9 months out, I am now down 103 pounds. I feel great physically. I still have mental hang-ups from time to time. The week before last, which shall be referred to as b.s.a. (before Spencer's accident) I felt really fat and it didn't matter how many times I looked in the mirror or thought about the size I am wearing now. I just felt like I had this huge muffin top no matter what pair of shorts or pants I wore and I couldn't talk my mind into believing what the mirror was telling me. Isn't that bizarre? I mean, I am still overweight and I do still have love handles, of course, but I just couldn't see the glass as half full that week. Fortunately that doesn't happen all that often and I am usually able to see myself as I really am now instead of what my mind was used to seeing for the last several years.

So Spencer was discharged from the hospital last Tuesday and we are still in the middle of dressing changes, healing and scabbing, etc. He goes this week for his followup visit with the trauma surgeon and hopefully we will hear that he is healing at the appropriate rate. I am just praying that he will be healed enough to be able to move down to Stillwater and start classes in a couple of weeks without any delays or problems. But again, he is fortunate to be alive and when I get stressed about hospital bills, school, insurance claims, etc., I try to just focus on his being alive, having no broken bones and not a scratch to his head, and somehow I feel a little better about the whole thing. Of course, I'm not the one going through the shower scrubbings and dressing changes...

New job now with great hours (WOOT!!) so gotta get the day started. Thanks and much love to all of you who actually read this rather pathetic little blog and send me encouraging notes. You are much, much more appreciated than you can probably understand. :)

What does 100 pounds look like? Here are some of the pics I've taken along the weigh :)

~k

almost 8 months out now...

2011-06-29T15:21:00.000-05:00

Well, Spencer is officially enrolled at OSU now, and I'm thrilled for him. We went down there Monday for freshman orientation/enrollment and it was great to see that wonderful place again. It has changed to the point that it's hardly recognizable from when I was there. It seems to me that the campus has doubled in size, and the residence halls are nothing like I remember. Spencer (and 3 roomies) will be living in a four-bedroom suite thing with 2 baths and living area, etc., all furnished. It's like an apartment and nothing like the old dorms used to be. Just amazing. And so begins his life as an aeronautical and mechanical engineer. I am so proud.

I attended my second Cubs game last weekend in KC and it was great. I have been to 2 games now and the Cubs won both, so I'm 2 for 2. Then we went to the Kansas Speedway and rode for a few laps in a NASCAR car. It was awesome, although my Dad, during his turn, asked the driver "is this as fast as this thing will go?" He also seemed disappointed that he didn't end up in the wall or something. Men.

So I've lost another 4 pounds, bringing my total to 94. Still feeling great and enjoying the changes. Spencer told me I was nearly unrecognizable on the back of John's bike a few days ago, which I take as a good thing. The bike certainly has a lot more room for me now and is much more comfortable to ride!!

the weird in-between phase...

2011-06-13T17:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I have officially hit that point where I'm between plus sizes and regular sizes and...it's weird. I went to the mall last week (gasp!) to pick up a birthday gift for Kelsey (who is 20 today...choke...gasp...cough) and I decided to roll the dice and try on some jeans in the misses department. I wasn't sure exactly what to expect, but I was ready for disappointment and just decided to go ahead and give it a shot. Lo and behold, I didn't even need the largest misses size, which shocked me no small amount (however, I must point out here that Spandex being in jeans fabric has probably played a large role). In my happiness, I bought jeans I don't really need, but hey, they are like 5 dress sizes smaller than before WLS and so I had to redefine "need". Then today I went to Dress Barn and tried on some dresses (regular misses sizes) and though I didn't buy anything, I did discover that I don't really need to go to the store way out in Jenks anymore (the only one that carries plus sizes) and so that was another small victory. Some of the stuff was a little tight, but it will probably fit comfortably within a month or two.

And speaking of that...weight loss total hit 90 pounds today, just 10 more to go until the century mark. I still couldn't be happier with the entire process and I feel very fortunate that I am doing so well. Even my 6-month labs came back with a great report, which thrilled me. I am not anemic, which tends to be a big problem with gastric bypass patients, so that's good. My labs are all on the low side, but none of them are abnormal or anything to raise a red flag, so I'm happy about that. One strange side effect I am noticing is that I think I am finally turning into my father. Those of you who know him understand that he is part lizard and believes 100 degrees with 80% humidity is perfect weather and should be the goal of every day of the year. I won't go that far, but I am beginning to love the sunshine and I enjoy sitting outside, just soaking it up. Of course, one must bear in mind that John likes our house thermostat to be at 67 year round, so that probably has something to do with it. But I do have trouble staying warm more and more now, and when I'm inside, I'm usually in long pants, a t-shirt, sweatshirt or jacket, and super-thick, furry socks. Or I just have a cat on me. Both work great, but I do worry about what will happen when winter hits again. I may have to start wearing a parka, or maybe 2 or 3 cats at a time.

post-Vegas post :)

2011-06-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

Just got home in the wee hours on Sunday morning from our trip to Vegas and happy to say it was a great time. Las Vegas is not one of those places that I would choose to go normally, but it was basically a free trip so there you go. It is still the freakshow that I remember, and I am convinced that there is no need to waste money on tickets to any show in Vegas because you can simply sit on the side of the strip and watch the people go by for free. It's way more entertaining than anything I've ever seen, and you can gather freakshow material for nigh on eternity there. My thoughts on the entire city can be summed up thus: What happens in Vegas (or visits or lives there or whatever) should stay in Vegas and never, ever leave. Please.

As of yesterday morning (missed the last Monday weigh-in because I forgot, if you can believe it!) I am down another few pounds for a total of 88. But the best part is that I am officially in Onederland now and just happy the scale readout begins with a 1 instead of a 2.

bittersweet days....

2011-05-16T11:57:00.001-05:00

I guess John and I are about to be empty-nesters with the graduation of our younger child (note that I didn't say "youngest" because that's one of my biggest pet peeves...if you only have 2 of something, you cannot ever, under any circumstances, use any adjective in the superlative form such as youngest, oldest, shortest, tallest, etc...you can only have a younger, older, taller, shorter, whatever-er...you must have 3 or more of something to use the superlative...if you've only got 2, it's comparative!!! Okay, rant over for now.) What seems most bittersweet about all this is that I can specifically remember those days when Kelsey was 4 and Spencer was 2 and I was home 24/7 with them (while also working from home in a field where one needs quiet) and thinking that those days were lasting forever and John would never get home and I would kill both children and end up doing 50 to life or getting the chair. It won't come as any surprise to anyone who knows our kids, but...they are both a bit strong willed and extremely bright. Let me tell you, raising those kinds of kids is the hardest job I've ever had to do. It's exhausting, heart-breaking at times, frustrating most of the time...and also the greatest experience of my life. To sit here today and realize that those days really did fly by and both children survived (as did I, in a manner of speaking), well, it's just amazing. I won't consider our parenting a success yet, as the future is never completely certain, but I am hopeful that we gave them at least most of the tools they will need to make a good life for themselves, and that's all I really want as a parent anyway: Kids that have the kind of life where they find happiness in whatever form that takes.

So today I'm down only one more pound, putting the total at 83 so far. But I'll take it and I'm happy with that. It's funny to me that people look at me like I'm insane when I tell them I have about 40 pounds to go. I think those people forget just how fat I became and where I started. I'm not even trying to get back to high school weight, and I was never thin or even ideal weight at that age! In fact, the weight I am shooting for is pretty liberal and will put my BMI in the "overweight" category instead of the "ideal" category. But it's a weight I am fairly certain I can maintain and be happy with, as I don't feel the need to be thin any longer and for that I am thankful.

So here we are with Spencer on the night of his commencement, May 13, 2011. He'll be off to OSU in a couple of months and I am thrilled for him. I think he will love college like I did and I couldn't be happier that he's attending my Alma Mater.

I also made a collage containing both Kelsey's graduation and Spencer's. It is also something of a weight-loss collage for me and helps me put into perspective exactly how far I've come since 2009.

Loving the sunshine for the first time in a long while...

2011-05-10T12:23:00.002-05:00

I think most people who know me well understand that I really do love cold, rainy days. I have always loved the rain, and most especially the kind that comes with a nice thunderstorm. I doubt that will ever change, but now I seem to be loving the sunshine much more than I have before. I remember loving summer in high school, when we would spend nearly every day at Big Splash, soaking up the sun for hours. It's been decades since I enjoyed sunshine, but I think it's coming back to me now. You will still find me indoors where there's air conditioning when summer hits around here because anything above 90 is just obscene to me. But right now, when the days are in the 80s, I am liking being outside and I even bought a lounge chair so that I can sit in the sunshine for a little while and soak it up. (I hope my Mom has smelling salts at her house because I know she just fainted when she read that last line...). I will never be the sun worshipper that my parents are, but I am at least getting back outside now instead of hiding indoors all the time. I guess it's another one of those little things that has happened that I never expected on this weight-loss journey. Just goes to show that it's about so much more than pounds and inches. It's about life and remembering how to live it.

But since this blog is about my WLS journey...my weight loss total now stands at 82 pounds as of May 9, 2011. As much as it pains me to admit my weight, I have to say that I am really looking forward to being in the 100s soon. I cannot remember the last time I was in Onderland (as it is universally called by weight-loss and diet sites) and I am hoping to make it there before we leave for Las Vegas at the end of this month. It will be the biggest milestone for me thus far (although I do realize it is just another little goal among many) and I am excited to think it's just 5 pounds away.

6 months out :)

2011-05-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

I don't know how it's possible, but it appears to be approximately 6 months after my surgery already! Short update as my mind is otherwise occupied at the moment, but as of May 2, I've lost 80.5 pounds and about 3-4 dress sizes. I'm feeling great and doing much better about getting all my vitamins in nowadays, though I've still gotta go for my six-month labs and so I won't know the real verdict until then. But I'm hoping for good news :)

Pic update, taken today, 5/4/11...

Happy Easter!

2011-04-25T14:47:00.001-05:00

So it's been a few weeks since I blogged and I thought I'd check in. Things are still going well and I feel great, still eating pretty much anything that sounds good. I guess I am going to be one of those people who does not get "dumping syndrome" which is both a good and a bad thing. Dumping syndrome is what happens to bariatric patients who consume too much carbohydrate or sugar at one sitting. It usually means becoming sweaty, nauseated, and just generally feeling like you want to die. Or at least this is what I've read and heard from many people. But apparently I am among the few who will not experience this, and it's kinda funny because that's part of the reason I went with gastric bypass instead of the lap band, sleeve gastrectomy or duodenal switch procedures. I wanted the dumping syndrome to be a threat of sorts; a kind of deterrent to eating the wrong stuff if I should ever be tempted. But I can eat candy and sweets when the spirit moves me and I don't seem to suffer any ill effects whatsoever.

Since last Monday (4/18) I have lost just one more pound, bringing my total to 78 since surgery. I am enjoying clothes and clothes shopping again, and I am happy to say that the table stacked with clothing is now gone from our room. Woot! I also got rid of at least 50 t-shirts and probably half that many pairs of pants and shorts that no longer fit, so the room and closet are getting better, little by little.

Most recent pic from 4/21/11...

Wishing everyone a wonderful week :)

~k

Monday again?? Time flies...

2011-03-28T11:58:00.001-05:00

It seems like I was just posting here yesterday, but I guess it's been a whole week again and I don't know where it went. In fact, I'm not sure what happened to the last 18 years, since my baby will be graduating in a matter of weeks and had his senior pictures taken a few days ago. It fairly boggles my mind. Next weekend we will be celebrating his 18th birthday and he is going skydiving, as it's something he's been begging us to let him do forever. I'm not sure yet if I'll be able to go watch. I'm not really sure my heart can take that kind of excitement and I'm sure I would come home completely gray-headed.

Today the scale says another 2.5 are gone, which means I have lost 73 pounds and now have less than 50 to go. (pic to follow shortly) But it's Monday, so that means I am in the middle of several errands and this post will be short and sweet. There is also the matter of Suki bringing me her mouse so that I can throw it over and over again and this short and sweet post has taken me much longer than it should have. I am off to throw the mouse on my way out the door. If anyone wants to come over here and throw a mouse for hours on end, I am happy to entertain any and all applications. It's a full time job. Oh, and it doesn't pay, either.

pedicure + new shoes = happy me

2011-03-21T12:19:00.001-05:00

Last week was a little disappointing, but it was good for at least one thing...proving that the scale really isn't always the best way to measure weight-loss success. When I weighed in last Monday morning, I had actually gained 2 pounds. But I knew that had to be just my body adjusting to changes in weather, water weight, etc. I usually gain at least a few pounds during the usual monthly cycle, but I couldn't even chalk it up to that reason. So I just hopped off the scale and went clothes shopping in the spirit of "Ha! I'll show you, you idiot scale!" and discovered I went down another dress size and a little more. It was great therapy and helped reenforce the concept (in my head) that sometimes the scale is not the best way to quantify weight loss and I should not give it the power to ruin what might turn out to be a perfectly wonderful day.

So if that same scale is to be believed today, I lost another 2 pounds for a total of 70.5 thus far. I have also discovered that my tastes in clothing have changed a little since I was last in this size and I let myself buy a few outfits. I am trying, though, to keep it under control and wear what I already have. I will be heading out to my consignment shop in a bit to drop off another load of clothes, so the room is getting better, little by little. Now if only I could end my torrid love affair with shoes...(But seriously, I mean, how can I be blamed for my love of shoes!? Shoes don't judge, they never get tighter, they NEVER make my ass look the size of Brazil, and they always make me happy and brighten my day, especially after a great pedicure with some flowers on the toenails. Just sayin')

18 weeks, just over 68 pounds...

2011-03-07T11:34:00.001-06:00

It's Monday again, and I cannot believe I am saying this, but...Monday is becoming my favorite day of the week. And it really has nothing to do with being my weigh-in day (although that doesn't hurt any). Having Monday as a day off has seriously changed my opinion of probably the most-hated day of the week around the world. Mondays make me feel pretty good because I usually get a lot done on Mondays that I've been putting off, and I am the Queen of Procrastination, for those who might not realize. Fact. I am a true ostrich at heart, and burying my head in the sand is something I do with panache. I'm not necessarily proud of it, you understand; but if you're going to do something, do it right.

The no-longer-evil scale says I lost 3 pounds last week, bringing my total to 68.5. It's interesting to note (at least to me) that I lose more weight on the weeks I eat more food. It makes sense in the metabolism-fired-up way, but it's not something most people can square in their heads. I still haven't really started exercising (except for shake-weight arm/shoulder workout), but I certainly run around doing other stuff a lot more than before. So I guess that's gotta count for something, right? I know one thing...our stairs are a lot easier to climb now. They must have become much more shallow, and there are probably less of them than before :)

still cleaning out clothes!

2011-03-01T15:25:00.000-06:00

Our room looks like the local thrift store, though I am making a valiant attempt at clearing it all. Stacks and stacks of clothes, sorted by size and season, litter almost every available surface. Standing in the middle of it all yesterday, it was hard to believe that I have removed over 4 giant tubs already, and that doesn't even count what I've cleaned out of the closet. I made another trip to the consignment store and found out that a few of my things already sold (1st or 2nd day there) and she was ready to write me a check. I told her to just keep it on balance because now that she has almost all my jeans and capris, I'll be needing to find some more. Hard to believe I could want any more clothes, but the sizes I have now are not aligning with the seasons and I find myself without many jeans or capris to wear for the next month or so. I guess this is maybe one of those times I can be thankful that I like brands like Baby Phat, Apple Bottoms, Torrid, etc. because they sure sell well at the consignment shop. And that lady in there loves me. As I left yesterday, she called "keep bringing in your stuff, you've got GREAT clothes!!" Man, don't I know it. If she could only see my bedroom...

So at my weekly Monday meeting with my scale yesterday morning, I was down another 4.5 pounds, for a total of 65.5. I am sure I will hit a plateau at some point, probably soon, and that's okay with me. You would think that I'd have a time frame in which I expected to lose this weight, something like "I'll be a size whatever by summer", but I really don't. I think I'm just so grateful that it's actually working, and so stunned every week by my progress, that I don't care much about the time that's passing or when I'll reach goal, or anything else for that matter. I'm just humbled and thankful to feel so good and to enjoy putting on clothes again. You know, there are so many little victories along this path, things not represented by the number on the scale or any other measuring stick. Things like wrapping a bath towel around myself after a shower and realizing it overlaps itself, with no gaping spots. Imagine. A towel fits around me now! Or I pick up an around-the-house shirt to put on and realize it is no longer tight across the shoulders and actually hangs down my arms. And I doubt there's a way to measure the loss of self-consciousness and how it affects nearly everything I do. I feel more like looking up and around instead of looking down or trying to hide myself. And something as simple as crossing my legs or curling up in the corner of the sofa as I read, then having it occur to me, all of a sudden like, that I couldn't sit that way a few months ago. It's almost comical to be sitting in a chair, then look down and realize your legs are crossed and want to jump up and yell "HEY! MY LEGS CAN CROSS AGAIN!!" However, since this particular revelation happened in church (where I sit at the front, literally in front of God and everybody) I decided to keep it inside and simply smile instead.

Wow, didn't mean to ramble on and on...but anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely cannot make a long story short (or ANY story short, for that matter) so I guess one should expect this if you dare to read my blog. But since I do actually have a job and a beautiful, fabulous, hell-on-wheels car to pay for, I'll close here. Happy Tuesday to all :)

clothing gluttony (and weight loss)

2011-02-21T11:22:00.000-06:00

As of this morning, I am officially half-way there! WOO-HOO!! Another 2 pounds are gone, which brings the total to 61, which is exactly half the amount I'm trying to lose. I feel very, very fortunate in that I feel so well and don't seem to have problems with anything. I am finding that I live on grilled chicken nowadays and I love it. The best part is that I've yet to find a restaurant that doesn't serve some form of grilled chicken, so eating out is no problem. Well, I guess there is one problem. John and I were just discussing (over dinner at Oliveto's) that we will probably never eat at home again once Spencer moves out this summer. Seriously. I do cook (yes, Mom, I really do) a few nights a week, but since Spencer hasn't come home any evening for the past 2 weeks, it's just John and I and we always end up eating out. I don't mind this; it's no hardship on me (I hate to cook for those of you who might not know) but it does feel a little strange. But if I cook here, I am only cooking for John because what I eat doesn't amount to enough to count for anything. Getting used to cooking for 1 or 2 is just weird after cooking for 4 healthy eaters for the past 15-20 years. But you have to enjoy each stage of life as it comes, and if this stage means no more cooking, along with driving a car that only seats 2 and can't haul groceries or kids, I guess I'll find a way to persevere. :)

In other news....I am feeling a little ashamed of myself today. I spent yesterday going through my clothes and I am astounded at my gluttony when it comes to clothes shopping. I don't think I realized how much stuff I had, but now I do and I am amazed at how much I have spent on clothes (and shoes) in the past decade or two. I packed three huge tubs, and I still have a closet full, a 6-foot table with stacks and stacks of shirts and jeans, plus another wall of stacked T-shirts and lounge clothes by the bed. And that doesn't even count the drawers under the bed or the armoire in our room. It's mind boggling and also sad that I could be this way and not really even realize it until now. Even worse is the fact that I am not a pack rat (like someone else I live with) and I do go through clothing and have major clean-outs periodically. I cannot even tally the amount of clothing I have donated to Goodwill and the Salvation Army over the last 20 years, and still I have enough to clothe a third-world country at this point. But I am going to work on correcting this bad habit, even though I know that shopping for smaller clothes is a lot of fun. If I can just make myself wear what I already have (in smaller sizes) I shouldn't need to buy anything at all until late this summer. But even then, I am going to make a promise to myself to cut the retail therapy down to something reasonable (and not more than I can actually wear in a season). Hopefully I won't need formal counseling or a 12-step program to accomplish this.

Okay, so a pic from today. And this one is for Christy, who told me I needed some new clothes for my new body (because, as she said, my other clothes were way too big). This is actually a top I've had for several years, a favorite from Torrid, and some jeans I couldn't even pull up past my lower thighs a few weeks ago. It's a happy day :)

another Monday, another few pounds...

2011-02-14T12:07:00.000-06:00

It's Valentine's Day! Or, as one of my FB friends put it this morning, Single's Awareness Day!! (thanks, Katie) =] I'm not really sure why this day deserved exclamation points, but it just looked sad with a period. I don't get really excited about this day, and it's not because the new has worn off or because we've been together for the last 23 of these holidays. I think it's because I am lucky enough to be married to someone who treats me as if every single day is Valentine's Day. Not with gifts or cards or chocolates, but with small things that mean so much more; going to get me Sonic iced tea before work because he knows I love it...shoveling all the snow out of the driveway and street so I could pull the Camaro out without having to worry...bringing me flowers for no reason at all...being willing to go just about anywhere, anytime of the day or night if I want or need something...doing little things just because he knows they will bring me happiness. And so, yes, maybe this particular holiday isn't as exciting as it could be. But I would rather have the 23 years of daily little things than an annual chocolates/flowers/teddy bear day.

So today marks 15 weeks since this journey began and another 3 pounds since last week. That brings my total to 59 pounds thus far, with about 60-65 more to go. I am making a point to take at least one picture every week now (even if they are just snapshots in the powder room because we don't have a full-length mirror). Yesterday was a happy day, as I finally tried on some old favorite pants and they fit. I totally wasn't expecting that yet and it made my day. If I were disciplined enough, I would probably be able to lose all the way down to my goal without buying any clothes at all; that's how many tubs of clothing I have in various sizes. It's insane, really.

Hope everyone has a happy Valentine's Day and enjoys time with the one who brings them happiness.

Have I mentioned that I love my car?

~k

14 weeks out...

2011-02-07T12:16:00.001-06:00

Just over three months postop and the scale says down 56 pounds this morning. Almost half-way, woo-hoo!! Still struggling to get in the protein, but I'm doing a little better every week. If only someone would make a protein pill, or just anything besides the shakes and bars. Just typing that last line made me start to gag a little, and I'm not kidding.

Assuming it ever gets here, I am going to attempt Zumba fitness. I ordered it over a week ago, but it got lost in transit (guessing it is on one of those UPS trucks we saw stuck in the snow this past week) and I had to re-order, so I got a little reprieve. I am sure it will kick my butt, but I'm going to at least try it. If I don't post here anymore, you will know I didn't survive it. :)

These pics were actually taken 2 weeks ago (or 7 pounds ago), but they are the most recent that I have. Thanks to you all for the wonderfully-encouraging messages and notes. They really do help; I feel like I have my own little cheering section. I love it, and I appreciate it more than you know.

I didn't think I could see the weight loss in my face, but then I found this copy of my driver's license (taken May 2010) and I decided I can see it :) I suppose I will always have chubby cheeks, but at least they are getting less chubby.

Enjoy the next mini-blizzard coming our way. And I never thought I'd EVER say this, but I'm ready for the snow to stop!!! I am suffering withdrawals from Chloe and I need a fix. Take care everyone, and be safe.

pseudo before and after (11 weeks) pics...but not really :)

2011-01-20T13:56:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I keep getting hounded about posting some pictures, but the truth is that I am really not used to letting anyone take my picture. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of snapshots that actually contain me, and none of those were with my consent (or at least I was grumpy about it). So I have a couple of before pictures from this past fall and then a couple that I shot last night (sans make-up and everything). They are only pics of my face because I couldn't get any of them to turn out right while using the mirror and it was just plain bizarre anyway. I don't know if my face looks thinner yet; if it does, I certainly cannot tell. But at least these first pics are a start. I am going to make an effort to take more pictures to document this journey, at least for my own benefit. I just hope it will start to come more naturally in time...(this feels really weird, I gotta say).

Weight loss between the before pics and now is 49 pounds (as of 3 days ago). :)

hard to believe it's been 10 weeks already

2011-01-10T11:40:00.000-06:00

I am sitting here in my living room, having just built a blazing fire and getting cozy in the squishy chair under my OSU blankie, and looking at the pretty white stuff out the window. These are times when I truly wish we could move somewhere north, where I could have real winter with real snow for several months at a time. Oh well. Maybe someday.

Kelsey officially has her own place now and I am using this excuse to get rid of most of our flatware, dishes and other kitchen accessories. We have so much stuff that the only thing I really get to replace is the silverware, but that's okay with me. She can use this stuff, along with our old couch and a table or two, and we can use the space. Maybe we can finally get this house uncluttered a little. But then again, I'm sure we will re-clutter with amazing efficiency. We always do. Then Spencer will be moving down to Stillwater this summer and things will be really weird around here. But since we don't see either of them all that much anymore these days, it probably won't be all that different than it is now.

Today marks 10 weeks since my surgery and I have lost 45 pounds so far. I am also finally starting to see and feel that weight loss, which is nice. I have about 6 tubs of clothes in our room and closet that I've kept and now I am having to dig through them to find clothes to wear to church. I wear pajamas around here nearly 24/7, but those aren't really acceptable cantor clothing, so I've had to go digging. It's kinda fun to find clothes I haven't seen in a while and realize they fit again. Last night also marked the day when I finally took off my wedding band and engagement ring and put them on a ribbon around my neck. I have those little plastic ring-sizer things, but the problem is that they get stuff in them when you wash your hands or work with food or whatever. And forget putting on moisturizer. So I guess they will just stay around my neck until I'm done losing and then I will get them re-sized. I have about 75 pounds to go, but I'm not in a hurry. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Time to put down the laptop and go stoke the fire a little. I hope it snows more and I am thankful I don't have to get out in it. Chloe already got her first taste of snow yesterday when she had to be parked outside so Spencer could use the garage to fix his car and I don't think she liked it. I know John didn't care for it. Luckily John has a nice big truck now and he can handle all my shipping and fetching chores. Chloe and I will stay nice and warm inside. :)

6 weeks out now

2010-12-13T11:30:00.000-06:00

Today it has been 6 weeks since my RNY and my scale says I have lost 40 pounds. The other weights were all from professional scales at the doctor's office, but I am guessing this is pretty close. I am not eating or drinking nearly enough, which is actually a bad thing, but the flu made it almost impossible to do either. I am feeling better today than I have in the past couple of weeks, so hopefully that is almost gone and I can get back to some semblance of normalcy...whatever that is.

Hope everyone has a great day today and enjoys the wonderful cold. :)

~k

One month postop and feeling great :)

2010-12-01T15:50:00.001-06:00

I can hardly believe it's been exactly one month since surgery, nor can I believe how fast this year flew by. I don't know what happened, but it's suddenly December 1, 2010!!

I am feeling great and eating a full diet now, basically whatever I choose. So far, so good. As of this morning, I am down 31 pounds since surgery and feeling pretty good about that. I have a ton to go, but I'm not in a hurry. I'm still having some difficulty getting in all the protein and remembering all the vitamins, but I'm doing the best I can. I go for my first lab test in about 3 weeks, so that will be the real measuring stick. I have read and heard the horror stories of people who don't take their vitamins or get in their protein and I don't want to be one of them. Some malabsorption cannot be avoided; it's simply the nature of the beast. I just have to do my best to be sure I don't end up on the "bad" side of this particular beast.

Another thing I can hardly believe...it's all becoming real to me that my baby will start college next fall. I couldn't be more thrilled that he's going to my alma mater, I just cannot believe he's that old. Where has the time gone?? He's retaking the ACT next Saturday, trying to achieve a 33 or 34 so that he can up the scholarships (hopefully). Then we begin filling out FAFSA, grant and scholarship applications, making housing decisions, et cetera ad nauseam. And we haven't even done his senior pictures yet. Yikes. But one thing I know for certain. I will be at the doors to the Mabee Center at 5 p.m. on the day he graduates. I don't need to learn that lesson twice! The only way to get a seat so that you can actually see your child without binoculars is to get there when the doors open and make a mad run for it. I'm ready!!! Just not ready for him to graduate...

*sigh*

I wanna drink! AND during a meal!

2010-11-22T16:00:00.000-06:00

Maybe I just drink more liquid with my meals than others. I don't know. But it is just bizarre and wrong to not be able to take a sip of something while I'm eating. I am sitting here now, having my pseudo-lunch thing, and I have to physically restrain myself from picking up the water bottle beside me and taking a swig after every few bites. It's usually safer for me to just not have a drink on the table at all while I am eating. I understand the reasoning behind this rule, but I don't have to like it. I would challenge anyone to try this at their next meal. Every time you reach for your glass of water/pop/tea/whatever, stop and tell yourself NO. Then when you are finished eating, set a timer and don't let yourself have a drink for another 30 minutes. Maybe it's just me, but this type of thing seems cruel and unusual punishment when I am supposed to drink 64 ounces of liquid a day and then can't have it when I want it most!

But it's a fairly good day protein-wise for me because I just finished 35 grams, half my requirement for the day, and I've still got about 8 hours to fit in the rest. Yesterday I felt bad all day and just couldn't force the food or drink down. As long as I can keep those bad days to a minimum, everything will be okay. Now if I can just remember all the vitamins...

~k

first postoperative check-in with Dr. G.

2010-11-19T13:59:00.000-06:00

First time on a scale since before surgery and I'm down 25 pounds. Hooray! If I weren't feeling so tired today, I would be even more excited. I don't know why, but I just cannot seem to get the fog to clear from my brain this afternoon. The nurse at Dr. G's office told me it's probably because I am having trouble getting in all my protein, and she may be right. But I did manage to get at least 65 grams in on Wednesday and Thursday, so I'm getting better. I must admit that it is MUCH more difficult than I ever imagined. I have almost decided that the people who do manage to get in all their protein and all their water must not sleep at night. Using the full 24 hours is about the only way I can figure they are doing it. The pouch only holds a tiny amount and it takes a long time to eat. So there's no time or room for anything but protein. Since we aren't allowed to drink anything at all from 30 minutes before a meal until 30 minutes after, you can see how getting 64 ounces of fluids in a day gets to be a little tricky.

Ah well, I am not complaining. I will work through it and do my best, just like the hundreds of thousands of other people before me. I have been extremely fortunate, indeed, as I have had no complications whatsoever thus far and I feel really great most of the time. No trouble with any foods I've tried, no feelings of nausea or unease in the GI tract, no unexpected pain, nada.

So yeah, I'm pretty pleased with 25 pounds in 22 days. The loss won't stay at such a high rate for long, nor do I want it to. If there's only one lesson I've learned in my 20 years of struggle with weight fluctuation it is that the faster you lose it, the faster you find it again. I know that with a pouch so small, my chances are much improved this time around...but still, I'd rather lose it slowly.

Thanks so much to my friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. I know God heard you and I am thankful He has made this such a breeze thus far. I will remember you in my prayers, too, and my thanks to God for you and your faith and friendship.

Love to you all :)

finally got around to writing my review for Carnival Cruise Lines...

2010-11-17T20:40:00.001-06:00

I finally went to Carnival.com and submitted my comment/opinion about our recent cruise (October 17 - 24, Carnival Conquest, out of Galveston).

My family and I sailed on the Carnival Conquest out of Galveston, October 17-24, 2010. This was our fourth or fifth Carnival cruise and it was absolutely our last. From the very first contact we had at the terminal until we departed the ship back at Galveston, this was the worst cruise experience of our lives. The terminal agent could not be bothered to smile even one time at us, and basically mumbled at me so that I had to ask her to repeat every single question. Not only was she not friendly, she was slow. She also screwed up our booking so that Carnival was convinced we had 3 Spencer Coleses traveling with us. Our balcony suite was directly above a bar where a tone-deaf band played every evening at approximately 1000 decibels. When we asked to be moved or at least have the band turn it down a bit, we were basically told "too bad". We could not converse in our suite, it was that loud. The paintings on the walls shook and the bass caused the entire room to tremble. It was beyond ridiculous. The fact that any cruise professionals would put any human being in that room speaks volumes for that cruise line's care of their customers. Every employee on that ship, with the exception of our room steward and our waiter, was so rude that it was nearly not believable. They could not smile to save their lives, and if they needed something from a buffet line, they simply elbowed their way in and over you without a single word of apology or even an "excuse me". I could complain about the food being sub par, but that pales in comparison to every other experience on that ship. Our last Carnival cruise before this one was years ago and we swore then, NEVER AGAIN. But, as usual, you offered something extremely cheap and we, like fools, jumped at the chance for a balcony room. Our entire vacation was ruined and it was completely miserable as we could not even converse in our own suite. We also had the privilege of having neighbors who believed that since they got up at 7 a.m. each morning, everyone should get up at that time. They turned on their stereo as loud as they pleased AND opened their stateroom door every morning so that everyone could enjoy it with them. But that was nothing more than anything we should have expected, since the entire ship was filled with absolutely the most inconsiderate, rude and low-class people we have ever seen. But you get what you pay for, and that's exactly the clientele that you attract. We will be absolutely certain to go with any other cruise line in future, as long as it is not owned by or called Carnival. It was the biggest waste of money of our lives and we basically had 10 days stolen from us that we could have spent doing anything else. And ANYTHING else would have been better. You are the cheapest and it's obvious you don't pay your employees anything or they would care more about keeping customers happy. But when you are the cheapest cruise line, this is to be expected. With our experience, Carnival should have paid us, not the other way around.

So thank you again for taking thousands from me and ensuring that the last cruise we would probably get to take with our parents and our children all together was a complete disaster.

Chloe and I reunited :)

2010-11-08T21:07:00.000-06:00

Best day of recovery so far, simply because I decided I wasn't waiting any longer to take Chloe out for a spin. It was glorious!!! Gorgeous, cool night, moon-roof open, stereo blasting....heaven. Have I mentioned how much I love Chloe?

John also found me a new Snapple flavor at QT and it is awesome! It's called Noni Berry Refresh (no calories, 2 carbs) and my favorite drink on the planet at the moment. Oh, and he also brought home Pei Wei Wonton soup (strained all the stuff out of it, of course) and I thought I went to heaven. Something that was almost real food!!!!

Chloe, wonton soup and Snapple. Good day.

looking forward to cottage cheese!!!

2010-11-07T14:56:00.002-06:00

Yes, that's what I said. COTTAGE CHEESE!! Beginning exactly 2 weeks after surgery, I finally get to try some solid food. I've been on liquids since 4 days prior to surgery, which makes it about day 11 now, and I'm ready to try chewing something. Anything. John had a cheeseburger last night while running errands and he smelled so good when he got home that I actually licked his hand. I won't even tell you what he said after that about his future food endeavors relating to his anatomy, but suffice it to say that I giggled until I had to smack him upside the head because laughing hurts.

One of my favorite meals just happens to be cottage cheese and applesauce together. I am praying my tastes haven't changed so much that I won't like it anymore because it will be really disappointing after all the drooling I'm going to be doing this week while counting down to next Monday. I can also have sugar-free pudding, which I am thrilled about because I can put my protein powders in those and be able to avoid at least a few shakes here and there.

But protein shakes and vitamins will be part of my life until I die. There is no negotiation on this point; my life and health depend upon it. Having done Medifast and lost nearly all my hair a few years ago, it is a lesson I need not learn again. Quit taking protein powder/shakes (70 grams per day) and hair loss will be just the beginning of one's problems after WLS. Right now my vitamins are roughly the size of tennis balls and take me forever to get through, but I am hoping I can find some liquid type in future.

But back to the cottage cheese. I am literally drooling over it at this moment. John said he would make me some beef broth for lunch, but he's into some game now and I'm obviously going to have to pretend to get out of bed so he will freak out and go do it. I try to tell him I am supposed to be up and moving every hour, as much as I can tolerate, but he still hates for me to get up for any reason. I finally talked him into helping me shower this morning and that was about all he could handle for stress. I must admit, though, I am still so weak (I can only assume from lack of food) that the shower was absolutely exhausting and I am still recovering from it. But the important thing is that I now smell good again. And while we're on the TMI front, I really, desperately need to shave my legs but John absolutely freaks out if I mention it and he forbids it. Since he is still giving me Lovenox (blood thinner) injections in my belly every morning, I really don't want to be cut because I'm not sure I would stop bleeding at this point. So I have really hairy legs. And I don't care for it much.

Enough information for ya?? :)

~k

Day 3 postop, and...

2010-11-04T19:54:00.001-05:00

...and it's painful. Not as painful as hard labor with no anesthetic, but it's a close second. My entire belly hurts if I try to move in almost any direction, and getting out of bed is just exhausting. However, I did not write this update to complain. I know the potential complications of this stuff and I seem to be cruising right along at the expected rate of recovery. I need to be up and moving more than I am, I'm sure, but I can only handle about 5-6 trips out of bed per day at this rate. I am, however, making sure to get in all my protein shakes and liquids, along with using my SCDs so as to avoid DVTs, PEs and all the other really bad stuff. John has to give me a shot of Lovenox in my belly every morning, and that's a real treat, let me tell you. I'm supposed to give them to myself, but I figure they must be kidding because that's just ridiculous. Luckily, John doesn't scream and faint at the sight of a needle and so he can handle it.

The most entertaining event since coming home was watching John pull out my On-Q pain pump catheters last night. Each little tube is about 14 inches long and they ran down each side of my belly (just under the skin) to administer the anesthetic to fight some of the pain. The little ball of anesthetic gets smaller and smaller until it's gone, and then you have to pull out the tubes/catheters. John undoes the tape, dressings, etc. and starts freaking at how long the tubes are. He keeps pulling and pulling and they keep coming and coming. He's practically breaking into a sweat over it, so worried that he's hurting me, and I can feel nothing at all. Nothing. I keep telling him it's okay, I don't feel anything, stop worrying, all to no avail. He's such a sweetie. I think the thing that freaked him out just a little less than that was that I insisted on voting Tuesday. So as soon as they discharged me, we drove straight to Bethany, our polling place. It was touch and go; I could barely walk, shaking like a leaf, but dang it, I HAD TO VOTE!!! And so I did. :)

If I have rambled, well, I guess I always ramble, but at least this time I can blame drugs. Hopefully, a little more of the pain will abate over the next couple of days and getting out of bed won't seem such a herculean effort.

Y'all take care.

~k

And so it begins...

2010-10-27T20:30:00.001-05:00

I struggled for a long, long time about whether I should blog this or not, but after taking a vote of the voices in my head, the ayes have it with 51%. So here we go.

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest flaws is my weight (no pun intended) and my inability to sustain any kind of weight loss. Oh, I can lose it. But I immediately find it again, along with another 10 or 15 of its closest friends, and this has gone on for decades. There is so much shame and embarrassment wrapped up in all this that it's difficult to even talk about it without having a complete breakdown. I will cry the entire time I type this, and I just accept that it's going to happen whether I want to cry or not. It just is what it is.

I think what I admire most about John is his strong-minded determination. No, I did not just completely derail into another subject as I am oh-so-prone to do. Just stick with me for a moment and I'll explain. I always thought I was stubborn and strong-willed, but I am, in fact, pathetically, neither of those. And therein lies the rub: Losing weight and keeping it off requires a strong mind, I believe, more than any other single thing. You know, the old "if you believe it, you can achieve it" type of thing. I've never much believed in myself about anything (except possibly flute and, more recently, vocal talents) and I believe that's why I've yet to be successful at maintaining a reasonable weight. I am also something of the ostrich variety, i.e. sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it if I cannot find a way to cope with it. It's why I cannot watch the news at all without going into a tailspin that leads, eventually, to suicidal thoughts. I am really that crazy. You should all give John a big hug when next you see him. :)

ANYWAY!! Earlier this year, John finally (FINALLY) agreed to consider weight-loss surgery as an option after years of freaking out if I even uttered the word "gastric" in his presence. Honestly, I think God only made one man who couldn't care less if his wife weighs 732 pounds and still loves her. I don't know how I landed him, but I guess that was waaaayyy back when I was actually 150 pounds and somewhat attractive. Apparently love really is blind because that Kathy got lost years and years ago and I'm still trying to find her. John still sees her when he looks at me and it is beyond humbling. But I digress (yes, I see you all rolling your eyes and going "as usual" and/or "get to the point!"). Weight-loss surgery (WLS for those of us who like to pretend we are medical professionals and also believe it sounds more justifiable that way) is not something I would ever consider without complete support from my family, and I am fortunate to have just such a family (okay, husband, but the kids are okay with it, too, as long as Spencer knows I will still fill the house with some kind of food he can eat). So I started seriously looking into WLS a few months ago and I've had to jump through all kinds of hoops (if only!) to get approved by insurance, which I have. Along the way, I discovered I have severe sleep apnea and stop breathing about 86 times per hour, every night. I am lucky, though, that I do not seem to have any other health issues (besides being a whale, of course) and every doctor I've seen during this journey to insurance approval (approximately 334 by my count to date) has been amazed that I don't have hypertension, diabetes, other cardiopulmonary problems, etc. Nope, I'm just fat. But I know those other problems are going to arrive in the not-too-distant future if I don't find a way to get this weight off and so I am going under the knife on Monday for laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery.

I am not proud of this and I didn't really want to tell anyone about it because it's humiliating enough to be morbidly obese without admitting that I cannot take this weight off the old-fashioned way. I feel like I am cheating, and that bothers me. A lot.

I'm nervous. I'm a little worried. I'm a little scared. I'm a lot of things, but I am mostly hoping and praying to find the original Kathy at the end of this road. In support of that, I am asking for prayers for my family and for me as we all go through this together. I am praying that God will help me believe in myself enough to be successful on this journey. I am also praying that I can become one of those strong-minded people who do what they set out to do, no matter how hard it is or how much work it takes. I want to like myself. And yes, I know a person should always love themselves beyond their physical being, but I never have, not ever. I do know that my happiness is not really based on what I look like, that my problems go much, much deeper than my physical appearance. But I am hoping that if I can accomplish this physical thing, maybe it will help me accomplish my spiritual goals, too. I want to like myself. Really, I do. I want to go out again and enjoy life, party with friends, have a good time...do all those things I did with ease so long ago. I don't want to be the embarrassment of our family and too ashamed to be in any family pictures. I want to be "bubbly" again (the appellation everyone else seemed to think fit me eons and eons ago) and I want, most of all, to be deserving of the husband God gave me. He deserves so much more than what I've let myself become, and maybe, just maybe, so do I.

So if you've made it all the way to here, congratulations for surviving the workings of my mind. It's a tricky business and I've yet to figure it out myself. And thank you. But more than anything, please pray for me and for my family. This will probably be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do (besides birthing Spencer, who came with no warning and so, of course, no ability to have any anesthetic AT ALL) and I would really, really appreciate prayers from friends. Good vibes wouldn't go amiss, either. :)

~k

And did I mention that Spencer weighed over 9 pounds at birth?? Thank God he was well worth it.

The Room

2010-02-23T10:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I know this has circulated in email for a long time, but I still find it very worthy of posting again. If only we could all keep The Room in mind every hour of every day...imagine what our lives would be like.

The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I Have Watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards.

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room.. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.

Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.

The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

2010-02-18T17:50:00.001-06:00

Out on a bike ride in this awesome weather...stopped at el guapo downtown for dinner YUMMMMMMMMM

2010-02-17T19:06:00.001-06:00

I suppose if one should have only one meal on Ash Wednesday, eating a pizza at Oliveto`s is the way to go. Cheese, of course.

2010-02-17T10:23:00.001-06:00

Just testing to see if i really can post to my blog via my cell....

Mardi Gras

2010-02-16T22:55:00.000-06:00

Although Mardi Gras is supposed to be a time of merry-making and indulging oneself, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. It is the one single reason I abhor anything pertaining to New Orleans. It would be a great day if only everyone who celebrated it also understood what it means and therefore also observed Lent. Sadly, probably 97.5% of all the people out celebrating right now have never even heard of Lent. Fat Tuesday has been so corrupted by places like New Orleans that few people even realize anymore what the day means. Ah well, it's too depressing to even write about so I will stop there.

Today my patience and tolerance were tested by people at the bank. Specifically, those in the drive-thru lanes. I think it only common courtesy to make sure you are ready with your deposits, checks, or whatever, when you get up to the little vacuum thingy. But apparently this does not occur to people who bank at BOK. I sat there and watched the girl in front of me spend about 25 minutes taking care of her business. I've no idea what she was doing, but in order to accomplish it, she had to send the little canister back and forth about 8 times. Now, I'm thinking that if your transaction is this involved, perhaps the drive-thru isn't the best place for you. And who waits until they get to the front of the line before endorsing checks and filling out deposit slips!? I truly do NOT understand this. I know I hate to wait in long lines, so I try to be as fast as possible when it's my turn so as not to make others wait. Is this a foreign concept? Or is it just that the person in front of me was an idiot? I don't think I can adequately express, in this short space, how badly I wanted to exit my vehicle and assault this girl. And I am not a violent person! What makes all this even funnier, in a sick, twisted way, is that the tellers at BOK are always asking me if we want to move our checking accounts and other banking to BOK (we only have our mortgage through BOMC right now). I always politely tell them we are not interested and go on my way. Today I waited for them to ask, and I was going to actually say, in a nice way, that their drive-thru being the slowest in town is part of the reason we do not bank there. Alas, she never asked and it's just as well. I might have been slightly less than polite this time. (We used to have our business account at BOK and they were an absolute nightmare to deal with. Never again.)

So I guess that's a good thing to ponder on the eve of Ash Wednesday and during the Lenten season this year. Instead of giving up chocolate or sweets or fast food, I will attempt to give up impatience and anger with other people (even if they need smacking, or worse). I will also attempt to give up other bad habits and try to be the person God made me to be. Maybe someday I will even be able to convince myself that non-thin people deserve to be loved as much as thin people...Nah, that's probably asking too much. I'll stick with the patience and tolerance concepts, which are goals I have some chance of reaching. Baby steps, Kathy, baby steps...

Saints Drinking Game

2010-02-06T22:21:00.000-06:00

I am about to wet my pants after reading this. And I'm also thinking I will have alcohol poisoning before the second quarter if I do this...

The New Orleans Saints Superbowl Drinking Game

1. Every time they mention hurricane Katrina, drink 1

2. If they show pictures of the City of New Orleans right after Katrina, drink 1

3. Every time they say how much the Saints mean to the City of New Orleans, drink 1

4. Every time the words "tragedy", "flood", or "devastation" are used, drink 1

5. Every time they talk about how good Reggie Bush was in college, drink 3

6. If they show Kim Kardashian in the stands, drink 5

7. Every time they show a picture of Reggie Bush with a bat or say "bringing the wood" drink for 5 seconds.

8. Every time Reggie Bush gets negative yardage trying to run around in the backfield a bunch and outrun the defense, drink 1 and turn to the person next to you and say "I told you Vince Young should havewon the Heisman that year"

9. Every time Reggie Bush gets up and flexes his arms in that pose he likes to do, drink 1

10. If they mention Tim Tebow for any reason, funnel a beer

11. Every time they say that "it's destiny for the Saints to win" drink 1

12. If they show footage of Katrina survivors at the Superdome, take a shot of cheap liquor

13. If they call Saints fans the most passionate fans in football, drink 1

14. If they say that the Saints, Saints fans, or the City of New Orleans "deserve" a Superbowl victory, drink 1

15. Every time they say how good of a story the Saints are, drink 1

16. If Jeremy Shockey pretends to be hurt after dropping a pass, drink 2

17. If they mention the Saints beating the Falcons in 2006 in the first game after Katrina in the Superdome, drink 5

18. Every time they compare hurricane Katrina to the Haiti earthquake, funnel a beer and yell "bull*!"

19. Every time they mention Drew Brees as the Mardi Gras king, drink 1.

20. Every time they show Archie Manning, drink 1, and mention how bad he sucked. If they show old footage of him on the Saints, drink 5. If they mention how tough of a decision it was for him as for whom to cheer for, drink 10.

21. Every time they show a saints fan yelling "Who dat!" Or a sign/shirt saying the same, drink 1.

22. If they show Chris Paul at the game, drink 1 and mention to someone how much better he is than Marvin Williams.

23. If they show former Mayor Ray Nagin, drink 5 and then punch someone in the face.

Other Rules not involving the Saints:

1. Every time they show Eli Manning in the press box, drink 1

2. Every time Pierre Garcon is mentioned with Haiti, drink 1

3. If Brett Favre is mentioned for any reason, drink 1

2010-02-06T20:07:00.001-06:00

So I have to share something that just happened on the Colts forum. Naturally, in the two weeks before the Super Bowl, fans of the opposing team (this time, the Saints) will come onto our board and basically talk smack about how they are so much better, the Colts are going down, et cetera ad nauseum. So anyway, one of these trolls posted this today...

YOU SHOULD ALL BE ROOTING FOR THE SAINTS

Here's why:

1. Saints have not yet won a Superbowl but the Colts have. Hence, the Saints will both want it more and will mean more to them.

2. Everyone else is rooting for the Saints. There's a myth that the Saints are the underdogs and everyone loves an underdog. But even if they knew the Colts were the underdogs, everyone would still want the Saints to win. Even if a person knew nothing about either team and had to root for a team based on uniforms, they'll pick the Saints unless they like the thing that horses wear better than religious symbols. Maybe it's just my opinion but that horse shoe seems like one of the most banal symbols in the entire league.

3. It's inevitable that the Saints will win so why root for a team that stands no chance? I went through the reasons for this in another thread. After spending two weeks thinking you have a good chance to win the game and then shown otherwise, you'll be depressed. There's a far better chance that Peyton will have to be carted off the field than leaving with the in hand. Sorry. It's more humane for me to tell you this because it will lessen the shock. Great season, btw, maybe next year.

For those reasons (and more) you should root for the Saints instead of the Colts. Who dat!

I never respond to trolls (for obvious reasons), but this one made me laugh so hard I couldn't resist. Here is my response:

BWAHAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHAH

Whew, took a while to stop laughing. Oh wait...BWAHAHAHAHAHA...*sniff* Okay, I think I'm done now.

So yo, something you might want to know...I don't know a single person who likes the Saints, and I don't live anywhere near Indiana. In fact, everyone pretty much almost feels pity for people so lacking in intelligence that they continue to live below sea level when they have been warned hundreds of times that there will be a hurricane. Not to mention the absolutely corrupt state and local government you have elected to serve you...who spent the money they were supposed to be using to shore up the levee, etc. And that doesn't even include all the devout people like myself who know that NO is just a blasphemy against ANYTHING religious or Christian. What other place has taken a religious holiday and turned it into a time for having sex out in the streets with strangers? None I can think of. Saints?? God knows better.

So go ahead and continue believing all of America loves you and isn't thinking you are a town full of, well, I'll just stop here. But wait, one more thing...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Peace

I must also say here that these Saints fans have told us that it's destiny, that the Saints have pulled them all together when the rest of America let them down in their time of need. Several of the posters on our board actually donated money for the relief efforts from Katrina, even a couple went down there to personally volunteer and help rebuild. These generous people also had to point out to the Saints fans that in the midst of the disaster, their team's owner was trying to bail out of New Orleans and was looking for a new place to relocate. It's funny how they now think that the team was their savior, and all those thousands of Americans who donated money and personally volunteered their time to help them are forgotten. The sense of entitlement here blows my mind. But I guess it shouldn't, since this country elected Obama, the king of all entitlement-minded socialists.

let the mental breakdown begin...

2010-02-02T15:03:00.001-06:00

So here we are, 5 days before Super Bowl XLIV (that's 44 for the Roman-numeral challenged) and I am in the beginning stages of mental breakdown. In fact, my stomach started churning from simply typing that sentence. Yes, I really am that weird and I can admit that I have a problem. But admitting it doesn't make it any better and it certainly doesn't do anything to calm me. The strange thing is that I am not a sports kind of person and I am possibly the least athletic human being on the planet (and even that might be an understatement). But I absolutely LOVE to watch sports, namely college and professional football, college basketball, the Chicago Cubs, and our high-school team, the Union Redskins.

But my favorite team is the Colts and I watch each game as if I have $100,000 riding on it. I live and die with every single down, and it has gotten so bad that I cannot even watch live anymore. I get so insane and irrational that I become even more difficult to live with than I usually am, and that's really saying something. At this point, John watches the games for me and records them, then lets me know if I can handle seeing them. This has been a fantastic year, but it has probably shaved 10 years off my life because nearly every single game was won by the Colts in come-back fashion, which is why the name Cardiac Colts is so very apropos. (And yes, even when John has told me that I should watch, that we win, I still yell and scream at the TV, have a minor heart attack every time anyone touches Peyton, and just generally act like a bedlamite until the clock reads 00:00. Aren't you glad you don't live here???) This makes for very exciting viewing if you are a normal person, I am sure, but it has caused me to have something akin to DTs along with arrhythmias. It's been a great season.

So anyway, Sweet Baby and the Colts have made it to the SB and I am beyond excited, but also a nervous wreck at the same time. Three years ago, when the Colts played in Super Bowl XLI (that's 41, for those of you counting at home), we were invited to a couple of watch parties with friends. I had to decline because there is no way on earth I am letting anyone besides John see the basket case I become during a Colts game, especially when I know it will be multiplied at least 100 times because it's the big one. So unless I can be heavily sedated or the house catches fire, I'm not going anywhere. I think my best plan is to consume a box of wine and then curl up into fetal position and wait for the end. Of the game, that is.

Maybe John and the kids should check into a hotel for the weekend. I have a feeling I will be extremely difficult to live with until late Sunday night (and then I'll go back to my normal "moderately" difficult to live with). *sigh*

~kdc

When God closes a door....

2010-01-29T22:11:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite sayings is "When God closes a door, he always opens a window". And it seems that I never realize what the window was until much later. After all of our financial struggles and just the day-to-day problems involved with running a business, we seem to have finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel. We're not out, yet, but I think the worst is behind us. That being said, this month proved to be another challenge for us, as a client did not pay an invoice on time and we found ourselves wondering how we would make the mortgage payment by its due date. Well, it just so happened that I was sitting at my desk and surfing the new listings when 3 boxed dolls popped up, all from the same seller. These dolls were truly NRFB (never removed from box) and in mint, untouched condition. As you may well imagine, this is something of a rarity. He had them all on buy-it-now for $175 each, so I snapped them up immediately and paid with credit (my rule being to only buy what I can pay off as soon as the statement comes). So the dolls arrived and they were something that a collector usually only dreams of; pristine in every way. I nearly fainted as I opened each box.

I haven't sold a lot over the past month or two because ebay has been so very slow. But it usually picks up again after the holidays and I didn't worry overmuch. I went ahead and took the pictures and listed these dolls, putting the price on them that they would normally command, even though I knew I might end up lowering them after a bit. Within 6 days, they all sold and my profit on the three was over $800. It was only after I had paid the mortgage that I realized this was a window. When I bought the dolls, we did not yet know that the client would be delaying payment. When I listed them, I did know this and I also listed many other things with the dolls (things I had postponed listing for a while because ebay was so slow). But as I drove home from the bank after making the payment (not late, thank you very much) I began contemplating the days that led up to me writing that check. I realized that, once again, God had opened a window for us, we just didn't recognize it until much later.

I wish I could say I make these finds all the time; the truth is much more mundane. Some weeks are really great and some weeks are not. But this is not the first time I've been at the right place at the right time on ebay, and I am thankful to have the knowledge to be able to make this business work. God has opened many of these "windows" for us through my ebay business over the last 10 years, and I am grateful for all of them.

It's kind of funny because when I see a really good deal pop up in the listings, I have this truly visceral "gut" reaction that tells me to buy. Maybe that "gut" feeling is just God unlatching the window and helping me open it.

Oklahoma Blizzard 2010 (pics)

2010-01-29T11:45:00.000-06:00

What a gorgeous scene outside! It finally started snowing, so I had to go outside and snap some quick pics. I never moved from the front step and I was freezing, which might have had something to do with the fact that I was in my nightgown and socks. But I am thinking I might brave it again later, if I ever get dressed today. But since I work at home, it's really hard to get motivated to do that most days. However, I love taking pictures enough to make me put on some clothes and get back out there.

God, I love real winter (and I say "real" because if you know anything about Oklahoma, you know our idea of cold is anything below 65...ridiculous). John and I have always said we wanted to move up north when the kids are gone, but since he got that motorcycle, he has changed his mind. This could lead to either; (a) a divorce; or (b) a terrible "accident" happening to his bike. But that's another entire blog entry...

~kdc

"The Messiah" Hallelujah Chorus...at Walmart

2010-01-28T18:34:00.003-06:00

John often claims to know everything, and I might have to give him credit at least this one time. Okay, so from my previous blog post you will remember that I decided our family could live without supplies if we are iced in, etc. etc. Then this afternoon, John wanted to go out for an early dinner, so we headed out to Roadhouse. Since Kelsey couldn't find the doggie diapers on her last wallyworld run (**cough** I think this had something to do with the fact that she didn't actually look for them **cough**), we decided we would brave the elements and try again after dinner (imagine having a non-indoor-trained dog who is elderly and urinates when she sleeps and you will quickly see why this particular "supply" was absolutely necessary in the 0-degree temperatures). John then drives us out to the brand-new Walmart, which I've only seen twice and never remember is even there. I am telling you, we were 2 of perhaps 40 people, total, in that store. And as we shopped, the silence was wonderful. No babies screaming, toddlers being beaten to within an inch of their lives, kids running in front of the cart so that the urge to mow them down almost overcomes a normally-rational, sane person. It was heaven, and I believe that I heard the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's "The Messiah" as we went down every single empty aisle. Honestly, I am not sure you can top, while staying in Oklahoma, the joy of leisurely wandering through a completely empty Super Walmart.

I guess I'll stop this post now because our incredibly demanding cat, Woody, has jumped on my lap and is now attempting to separate me from the keyboard. And I am NOT kidding. He has turned sideways and has his legs pushing against my stomach while his back pushes against the desktop/keyboard, and it's taking me forever to type this one stupid closing line!!! I am evidently petting the cat RIGHT NOW!

~kdc

Oklahoma Blizzard redux (2010)

2010-01-27T21:02:00.006-06:00

So around Christmas 2009 we had an actual blizzard here in Oklahoma. Yes, an actual, real, live blizzard. It was the greatest thing ever! And now we've just heard that another storm like that one is on the way, due to arrive here tomorrow afternoon and evening. So it follows that everyone around here has run mad. I tried to go to Walmart yesterday, but only circled the lot one time before deciding there was nothing in there worth the trouble and I left. My ballpark guess was that there were approximately 42,783 people shopping there at the time, and that's about 42,700 people too many for me (Kelsey tells me that she was there around the same time and that my number is a gross exaggeration, but I will let her persist in her delusions). All I could think was, doesn't anyone work anymore!? For the love of God, a person should be able to shop at Walmart between the hours of 8 and 5 without having to fight their way through the crowds. But today it finally dawned on me...everyone is laying in for the siege and stocking up on supplies. Needless to say, we are going to be without said supplies. We have bread, bologna, peanut butter and jelly, and various frozen (completely unhealthy) foods, so I figure we will be fine. And no, I am not trying to win any "mother of the year" awards. Which is a really, really good thing because I doubt I would even make the top 1000. It's just not my thing.

ANYWAY! The entire town is acting as if the sky is falling (ha! I guess it is in a way) and this would be one of those times when I think the northern states have to be laughing their asses off, seeing how we react to snow and ice. We will probably fare a little better this time because of what happened about a month ago...people will hopefully be a little better prepared. But one thing that won't change? People in Oklahoma still have no clue how to drive on ice and/or snow. They apparently believe that reducing speed is not called for, nor is avoiding breaking suddenly. And even better, those 70s and 80s Camaros and Firebirds will still be on the road. And I mean literally on the road. They won't be moving and their owners still won't understand that THESE CARS WERE NEVER MADE FOR DRIVING ON SNOW OR ICE!!! One would think said owners would either find a ride or call in sick after getting stuck every single time any cold precipitation touches the streets. Ah, but where would the fun be in that? We would have one less group of people to laugh at and so they should probably just carry on.

Of course, this is all really easy for me to say because I work from home and I have two teenagers and a husband who venture out into the cold and wet for whatever we need. Ah, it is good to be Queen.

~kdc

Naked Goose

2010-01-02T20:18:00.003-06:00

Okay, so perhaps posting to my blog while intoxicated in not the best idea I've ever had, but call me a maverick.

Today, my Cowboys played in the Cotton Bowl and...well, perhaps "played" is too strong a word. What they did was more like flag football. Or something. But whatever one wishes to term it, it was not pretty. I then had to deal with obnoxious OU fans making fun of me. I could go off on another tangent here about not understanding why some people get their jollies from making other people cry, but I'll save that for another time. So I decided to follow in the footsteps of Homer Simpson, who once said that alcohol was "the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems". I first turned to my old stand-by, the favorite, cranberry, grapefruit juice and vodka. But then, in a moment of inspiration, I reached for the Naked juice (yes, this is a real thing, I am NOT making it up) and I mixed that with my vodka. I am happy to say that it was a raging success (and not just because I was already a couple of sheets to the wind); it was marvelous!!

Maybe someday I will be famous for this drink I am dubbing the "Naked Goose". (Note: I used some cheapo vodka for the first one, but Grey Goose will be involved from here on out).

Maybe someday I'll be famous. Or not. But whatever, this drink is the bomb!!!

my escape

2009-01-21T11:09:00.000-06:00

I read completely meaningless tripe as a way to escape into a world I can deal with. Sad but true. I cannot watch the news, and I pretty much hate all TV shows (except forensics) so my method of relaxation is reading. I don't know if it's because of my major depression, or if I am just a negative person, but if I watch the news for any length of time at all, I become suicidal. Seriously. I begin to think of all the things that are wrong in this world and I feel completely helpless to do anything about them; one thing leads to another and pretty soon I am lying in bed for days at a time, crying incessantly and thinking about the best way to just end it all. I am pretty sure this makes me nothing more than a coward, but there it is. John can watch the same news and he gets that "let's pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and fix this problem" attitude. My Mom can do the same thing, as can Kathleen. I admire these kinds of people because they are the fixers in the world. They see a problem and try to find a way to make it better; I hide from problems. Which segues nicely into my topic here, which is my addiction to mindless tripe in the form of historical romance novels. Yes, I know. Just typing that sentence dropped my IQ level down about 50 points or more. But they are a true escape for me; a place where my mind can go that will not cause me to become irrationally angry about things I cannot control. I think it is the same escape others find in movies (but as we all know, movies are far inferior to the books they are usually based on). The reason I cannot tolerate most movies is the fact that Hollywood literally makes me nauseous, and giving those people any of my money is something I will not do.

So why is it that romantic comedies on the big screen are perfectly acceptable and draw huge audiences, but the same thing in the form of a book draws disdain and ridicule? This must be one of life's great mysteries. Or maybe I am the only one who sees it this way. And I am probably the only one who cares what other people think, which is another huge character flaw of mine. But I'll save that for another time (it's a 10-pager).

16 things about me

2009-01-20T21:02:00.001-06:00

Okay, so this is where my inspiration for a blog got started. Sort of. I was tagged in a facebook note and asked to respond with 16 things about me. I figure that note is as good a place as any to begin my blogging life...

1. My favorite weather is rainy and cold; preferably between 30 and 40 degrees with a nice, pelting rain.

2. I love cats and tolerate dogs. Sometimes.

3. I was drum major for all my high-school marching-band life (3 years) and I didn't learn to play piccolo and march until I got to OSU. (My freshman year was at TU, but we stood on the field and played jazz tunes. I almost died.) I still find myself directing along with Eamon when the band is on the field because I cannot help myself. Pathetic.

4. I am still a band/guard geek at heart, always will be, and I can still throw a quad with a rifle (I can actually catch it, too). I never did sabre, but maybe someday Kelsey will teach me. John and I still find ourselves walking in time together when we are out, and we just laugh about what nerds we are.

5. I was a serious over-achiever in school; someone Kelsey would term a "goodie goodie" (as she makes strange gagging noises). If I did not have the highest grade in a class, I would freak out and work until I did. My kids just roll their eyes and smirk anytime I talk about school...I am still a grammar Nazi and very proud to say that I have passed this on to Kelsey. Spencer only texts in full sentences with proper punctuation and spelling. Praise God.

6. I am romance novel junkie. There. I said it. Out loud. But I get into and out of reading spells on a random basis; I will read a book a day (at least 400 pages or not worth bothering with) for several weeks, then go 6 months without reading a thing, then start all over again.

7. John was only the third guy I ever dated, and I knew after about a week that I would marry him. It took me 3 years to convince him. The thing with John is that divorce can NEVER be an option. He told me that when we started dating, saying he would never be divorced and I had better be damn sure it was forever. I was and still am, and happily so.

8. When Kelsey was figure skating, I joined the synchronized skating team at the rink. It was fun, but I never had enough confidence to really go for it. And I took a really bad fall that I now believe precipitated my back surgery. Awesome.

9. My scholarship to the University of Tulsa was for the full ride; half academics and half flute. My teacher there told me that I was truly gifted and she believed I could be one of the very few that makes it as a performance flautist. I never believed in myself enough to do it, and I regret that now more than I can say. Maybe someday when the kids are gone I can get back into it (assuming senility has not set in even more by then and I can remember how to play and read music).

10. I am the director of music for our parish at Sts. Peter & Paul. I direct my little choir (sometimes only a quartet or quintet in which Kelsey even condescends to sing) and cantor at all the Masses. I've even made several CDs of my favorite songs.

11. I am an ebay junkie. Seriously. I collect vintage Barbie dolls from the 60s and 70s, and buying them on ebay got me started selling to recover my costs. I have been a power seller now for years and it is a good little income on the side. Plus it's great fun. Maybe someday, when Kelsey and Spencer are no longer in band and guard, I can keep some of that money.

12. I HATE reality TV. I mean I really, really hate it. A lot. Americal Idol makes me violent because for some strange reason, I was taught it is wrong to make fun of people who are handicapped. And being tone-deaf is a handicap in my eyes.

13. I believe my true calling in life is to be a writer. Seriously. I hope to actually do it for real someday. I think maybe that's why God gave me mad grammar skills and verbosity. I really, really like to talk and I like to write even more.

14. I am a horrible parent. Truly. I am always worried about hurting people's feelings and I hate for anyone to be upset, so I can never say no or be stern when it is needed. If not for John, our kids would end up as serial killers.

15. I will always be fat. Forever. I will also never be able to accept myself as I am, no matter how many years go by and how many good things I find to like about myself. It's just not gonna happen. I will be 40 this year and I've still never achieved self assurance. Or even contentedness. If I can ever figure out how to like myself even one-tenth the amount John loves me, well, I may achieve psychological nirvana.

16. I am absolutely addicted to football at all levels. I have the world's biggest crush on Peyton Manning (John is okay with it, he has a man crush on him, too) and I went to my first Colts game last month. It was our anniversary and we stayed behind when the band left Indy, then drove straight home after the game, arriving at 3 a.m. to a bug infestation in our house. Oh, and my hard drive crashed when I turned my computer on a few hours later and I lost everything. But seeing Peyton live was worth it all (seriously, how important are all the pictures of my kids and family anyway?). Go Colts!!! Union Redskins State Champs!!