I wanna drink! AND during a meal!

Maybe I just drink more liquid with my meals than others.  I don't know.  But it is just bizarre and wrong to not be able to take a sip of something while I'm eating.  I am sitting here now, having my pseudo-lunch thing, and I have to physically restrain myself from picking up the water bottle beside me and taking a swig after every few bites.  It's usually safer for me to just not have a drink on the table at all while I am eating.  I understand the reasoning behind this rule, but I don't have to like it.  I would challenge anyone to try this at their next meal.  Every time you reach for your glass of water/pop/tea/whatever, stop and tell yourself NO.  Then when you are finished eating, set a timer and don't let yourself have a drink for another 30 minutes.  Maybe it's just me, but this type of thing seems cruel and unusual punishment when I am supposed to drink 64 ounces of liquid a day and then can't have it when I want it most!


But it's a fairly good day protein-wise for me because I just finished 35 grams, half my requirement for the day, and I've still got about 8 hours to fit in the rest.  Yesterday I felt bad all day and just couldn't force the food or drink down.  As long as I can keep those bad days to a minimum, everything will be okay.  Now if I can just remember all the vitamins...


~k

first postoperative check-in with Dr. G.

First time on a scale since before surgery and I'm down 25 pounds.  Hooray!  If I weren't feeling so tired today, I would be even more excited.  I don't know why, but I just cannot seem to get the fog to clear from my brain this afternoon.  The nurse at Dr. G's office told me it's probably because I am having trouble getting in all my protein, and she may be right.  But I did manage to get at least 65 grams in on Wednesday and Thursday, so I'm getting better.  I must admit that it is MUCH more difficult than I ever imagined.  I have almost decided that the people who do manage to get in all their protein and all their water must not sleep at night.  Using the full 24 hours is about the only way I can figure they are doing it.  The pouch only holds a tiny amount and it takes a long time to eat.  So there's no time or room for anything but protein.  Since we aren't allowed to drink anything at all from 30 minutes before a meal until 30 minutes after, you can see how getting 64 ounces of fluids in a day gets to be a little tricky.  


Ah well, I am not complaining.  I will work through it and do my best, just like the hundreds of thousands of other people before me.  I have been extremely fortunate, indeed, as I have had no complications whatsoever thus far and I feel really great most of the time.  No trouble with any foods I've tried, no feelings of nausea or unease in the GI tract, no unexpected pain, nada.  


So yeah, I'm pretty pleased with 25 pounds in 22 days.  The loss won't stay at such a high rate for long, nor do I want it to.  If there's only one lesson I've learned in my 20 years of struggle with weight fluctuation it is that the faster you lose it, the faster you find it again.  I know that with a pouch so small, my chances are much improved this time around...but still, I'd rather lose it slowly. 


Thanks so much to my friends and family for your thoughts and prayers.  I know God heard you and I am thankful He has made this such a breeze thus far.  I will remember you in my prayers, too, and my thanks to God for you and your faith and friendship.  


Love to you all :)

finally got around to writing my review for Carnival Cruise Lines...

I finally went to Carnival.com and submitted my comment/opinion about our recent cruise (October 17 - 24, Carnival Conquest, out of Galveston).


My family and I sailed on the Carnival Conquest out of Galveston, October 17-24, 2010.  This was our fourth or fifth Carnival cruise and it was absolutely our last.  From the very first contact we had at the terminal until we departed the ship back at Galveston, this was the worst cruise experience of our lives.  The terminal agent could not be bothered to smile even one time at us, and basically mumbled at me so that I had to ask her to repeat every single question.  Not only was she not friendly, she was slow.  She also screwed up our booking so that Carnival was convinced we had 3 Spencer Coleses traveling with us.  Our balcony suite was directly above a bar where a tone-deaf band played every evening at approximately 1000 decibels.  When we asked to be moved or at least have the band turn it down a bit, we were basically told "too bad".  We could not converse in our suite, it was that loud.  The paintings on the walls shook and the bass caused the entire room to tremble.  It was beyond ridiculous.  The fact that any cruise professionals would put any human being in that room speaks volumes for that cruise line's care of their customers.  Every employee on that ship, with the exception of our room steward and our waiter, was so rude that it was nearly not believable.  They could not smile to save their lives, and if they needed something from a buffet line, they simply elbowed their way in and over you without a single word of apology or even an "excuse me".    I could complain about the food being sub par, but that pales in comparison to every other experience on that ship.  Our last Carnival cruise before this one was years ago and we swore then, NEVER AGAIN.  But, as usual, you offered something extremely cheap and we, like fools, jumped at the chance for a balcony room.  Our entire vacation was ruined and it was completely miserable as we could not even converse in our own suite.  We also had the privilege of having neighbors who believed that since they got up at 7 a.m. each morning, everyone should get up at that time.  They turned on their stereo as loud as they pleased AND opened their stateroom door every morning so that everyone could enjoy it with them.  But that was nothing more than anything we should have expected, since the entire ship was filled with absolutely the most inconsiderate, rude and low-class people we have ever seen.  But you get what you pay for, and that's exactly the clientele that you attract.  We will be absolutely certain to go with any other cruise line in future, as long as it is not owned by or called Carnival.  It was the biggest waste of money of our lives and we basically had 10 days stolen from us that we could have spent doing anything else.  And ANYTHING else would have been better.  You are the cheapest and it's obvious you don't pay your employees anything or they would care more about keeping customers happy.  But when you are the cheapest cruise line, this is to be expected.  With our experience, Carnival should have paid us, not the other way around.  


So thank you again for taking thousands from me and ensuring that the last cruise we would probably get to take with our parents and our children all together was a complete disaster. 

Chloe and I reunited :)

Best day of recovery so far, simply because I decided I wasn't waiting any longer to take Chloe out for a spin.  It was glorious!!!  Gorgeous, cool night, moon-roof open, stereo blasting....heaven.  Have I mentioned how much I love Chloe?  

John also found me a new Snapple flavor at QT and it is awesome!  It's called Noni Berry Refresh (no calories, 2 carbs) and my favorite drink on the planet at the moment.  Oh, and he also brought home Pei Wei Wonton soup (strained all the stuff out of it, of course) and I thought I went to heaven.  Something that was almost real food!!!!

Chloe, wonton soup and Snapple.  Good day.

~k

looking forward to cottage cheese!!!

Yes, that's what I said.  COTTAGE CHEESE!!  Beginning exactly 2 weeks after surgery, I finally get to try some solid food.  I've been on liquids since 4 days prior to surgery, which makes it about day 11 now, and I'm ready to try chewing something.  Anything.  John had a cheeseburger last night while running errands and he smelled so good when he got home that I actually licked his hand.  I won't even tell you what he said after that about his future food endeavors relating to his anatomy, but suffice it to say that I giggled until I had to smack him upside the head because laughing hurts.


One of my favorite meals just happens to be cottage cheese and applesauce together.  I am praying my tastes haven't changed so much that I won't like it anymore because it will be really disappointing after all the drooling I'm going to be doing this week while counting down to next Monday.  I can also have sugar-free pudding, which I am thrilled about because I can put my protein powders in those and be able to avoid at least a few shakes here and there.


But protein shakes and vitamins will be part of my life until I die.  There is no negotiation on this point; my life and health depend upon it.   Having done Medifast and lost nearly all my hair a few years ago, it is a lesson I need not learn again.  Quit taking protein powder/shakes (70 grams per day) and hair loss will be just the beginning of one's problems after WLS.  Right now my vitamins are roughly the size of tennis balls and take me forever to get through, but I am hoping I can find some liquid type in future.  


But back to the cottage cheese.  I am literally drooling over it at this moment.  John said he would make me some beef broth for lunch, but he's into some game now and I'm obviously going to have to pretend to get out of bed so he will freak out and go do it.  I try to tell him I am supposed to be up and moving every hour, as much as I can tolerate, but he still hates for me to get up for any reason.  I finally talked him into helping me shower this morning and that was about all he could handle for stress.  I must admit, though, I am still so weak (I can only assume from lack of food) that the shower was absolutely exhausting and I am still recovering from it.  But the important thing is that I now smell good again.  And while we're on the TMI front, I really, desperately need to shave my legs but John absolutely freaks out if I mention it and he forbids it.  Since he is still giving me Lovenox (blood thinner) injections in my belly every morning, I really don't want to be cut because I'm not sure I would stop bleeding at this point.  So I have really hairy legs.  And I don't care for it much.


Enough information for ya??  :)


~k

Day 3 postop, and...

...and it's painful.  Not as painful as hard labor with no anesthetic, but it's a close second.  My entire belly hurts if I try to move in almost any direction, and getting out of bed is just exhausting.  However, I did not write this update to complain.  I know the potential complications of this stuff and I seem to be cruising right along at the expected rate of recovery.  I need to be up and moving more than I am, I'm sure, but I can only handle about 5-6 trips out of bed per day at this rate.   I am, however, making sure to get in all my protein shakes and liquids, along with using my SCDs so as to avoid DVTs, PEs and all the other really bad stuff.  John has to give me a shot of Lovenox in my belly every morning, and that's a real treat, let me tell you.  I'm supposed to give them to myself, but I figure they must be kidding because that's just ridiculous.  Luckily, John doesn't scream and faint at the sight of a needle and so he can handle it.


The most entertaining event since coming home was watching John pull out my On-Q pain pump catheters last night.  Each little tube is about 14 inches long and they ran down each side of my belly (just under the skin) to administer the anesthetic to fight some of the pain.  The little ball of anesthetic gets smaller and smaller until it's gone, and then you have to pull out the tubes/catheters.  John undoes the tape, dressings, etc. and starts freaking at how long the tubes are.  He keeps pulling and pulling and they keep coming and coming. He's practically breaking into a sweat over it, so worried that he's hurting me, and I can feel nothing at all.  Nothing.  I keep telling him it's okay, I don't feel anything, stop worrying, all to no avail.  He's such a sweetie.  I think the thing that freaked him out just a little less than that was that I insisted on voting Tuesday.  So as soon as they discharged me, we drove straight to Bethany, our polling place.  It was touch and go;  I could barely walk, shaking like a leaf, but dang it, I HAD TO VOTE!!!  And so I did.  :)


If I have rambled, well, I guess I always ramble, but at least this time I can blame drugs.  Hopefully, a little more of the pain will abate over the next couple of days and getting out of bed won't seem such a herculean effort.  


Y'all take care.


~k

And so it begins...

I struggled for a long, long time about whether I should blog this or not, but after taking a vote of the voices in my head, the ayes have it with 51%.  So here we go.


Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest flaws is my weight (no pun intended) and my inability to sustain any kind of weight loss.  Oh, I can lose it.  But I immediately find it again, along with another 10 or 15 of its closest friends, and this has gone on for decades.  There is so much shame and embarrassment wrapped up in all this that it's difficult to even talk about it without having a complete breakdown.  I will cry the entire time I type this, and I just accept that it's going to happen whether I want to cry or not.  It just is what it is.  


I think what I admire most about John is his strong-minded determination.  No, I did not just completely derail into another subject as I am oh-so-prone to do.  Just stick with me for a moment and I'll explain.  I always thought I was stubborn and strong-willed, but I am, in fact, pathetically, neither of those.  And therein lies the rub:  Losing weight and keeping it off requires a strong mind, I believe, more than any other single thing.  You know, the old "if you believe it, you can achieve it" type of thing.  I've never much believed in myself about anything (except possibly flute and, more recently, vocal talents) and I believe that's why I've yet to be successful at maintaining a reasonable weight.  I am also something of the ostrich variety, i.e. sticking my head in the sand and ignoring it if I cannot find a way to cope with it.  It's why I cannot watch the news at all without going into a tailspin that leads, eventually, to suicidal thoughts.  I am really that crazy.  You should all give John a big hug when next you see him.  :)


ANYWAY!!  Earlier this year, John finally (FINALLY) agreed to consider weight-loss surgery as an option after years of freaking out if I even uttered the word "gastric" in his presence.  Honestly, I think God only made one man who couldn't care less if his wife weighs 732 pounds and still loves her.  I don't know how I landed him, but I guess that was waaaayyy back when I was actually 150 pounds and somewhat attractive.  Apparently love really is blind because that Kathy got lost years and years ago and I'm still trying to find her.  John still sees her when he looks at me and it is beyond humbling.  But I digress (yes, I see you all rolling your eyes and going "as usual" and/or "get to the point!").  Weight-loss surgery (WLS for those of us who like to pretend we are medical professionals and also believe it sounds more justifiable that way) is not something I would ever consider without complete support from my family, and I am fortunate to have just such a family (okay, husband, but the kids are okay with it, too, as long as Spencer knows I will still fill the house with some kind of food he can eat).  So I started seriously looking into WLS a few months ago and I've had to jump through all kinds of hoops (if only!) to get approved by insurance, which I have.  Along the way, I discovered I have severe sleep apnea and stop breathing about 86 times per hour, every night.  I am lucky, though, that I do not seem to have any other health issues (besides being a whale, of course) and every doctor I've seen during this journey to insurance approval (approximately 334 by my count to date) has been amazed that I don't have hypertension, diabetes, other cardiopulmonary problems, etc.  Nope, I'm just fat. But I know those other problems are going to arrive in the not-too-distant future if I don't find a way to get this weight off and so I am going under the knife on Monday for laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery.


I am not proud of this and I didn't really want to tell anyone about it because it's humiliating enough to be morbidly obese without admitting that I cannot take this weight off the old-fashioned way.  I feel like I am cheating, and that bothers me.  A lot. 


I'm nervous.  I'm a little worried.  I'm a little scared.  I'm a lot of things, but I am mostly hoping and praying to find the original Kathy at the end of this road.  In support of that, I am asking for prayers for my family and for me as we all go through this together.  I am praying that God will help me believe in myself enough to be successful on this journey.  I am also praying that I can become one of those strong-minded people who do what they set out to do, no matter how hard it is or how much work it takes.  I want to like myself.  And yes, I know a person should always love themselves beyond their physical being, but I never have, not ever.  I do know that my happiness is not really based on what I look like, that my problems go much, much deeper than my physical appearance.  But I am hoping that if I can accomplish this physical thing, maybe it will help me accomplish my spiritual goals, too.  I want to like myself.  Really, I do.  I want to go out again and enjoy life, party with friends, have a good time...do all those things I did with ease so long ago.  I don't want to be the embarrassment of our family and too ashamed to be in any family pictures.  I want to be "bubbly" again (the appellation everyone else seemed to think fit me eons and eons ago) and I want, most of all, to be deserving of the husband God gave me.  He deserves so much more than what I've let myself become, and maybe, just maybe, so do I.  


So if you've made it all the way to here, congratulations for surviving the workings of my mind.  It's a tricky business and I've yet to figure it out myself.  And thank you.  But more than anything, please pray for me and for my family.  This will probably be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do (besides birthing Spencer, who came with no warning and so, of course, no ability to have any anesthetic AT ALL) and I would really, really appreciate prayers from friends.  Good vibes wouldn't go amiss, either.  :)


~k


And did I mention that Spencer weighed over 9 pounds at birth??  Thank God he was well worth it.